‘Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game’

As exams come to an end it’s the perfect time for all final years to realise their fantasies and sleep with the people they’ve spent the majority of their uni career dreaming about.

You’ve been salivating over them in seminars, eyeing them up in Timepiece but never really plucked up the courage to say anything more meaningful than “God that’s so interesting.” So how do you even begin this quest?

Make a list


Don’t hold back on the list making!

First things first, make a definitive note of all the people you want to sleep with. This list should have no boundaries – you’ll likely never see these people again, so what does it matter if they have a girlfriend/boyfriend and your frisky actions land them in hot water?

Everyone has a lecturer they fantasise about, so track them down in the King Billy and entice them into your uni digs.

Stalk them on Facebook

Screenshot 2015-05-20 at 18.27.15

this girl knows what she’s doing

You may need to phone a friend for step two. We all know one person whose able to navigate Facebook profiles like Bear Grylls on a deserted island, so make use of their skills and suss out each person’s favourite club nights.

To be extra thorough, scour through all of the photos from every night out and see if you can spot them. That way you can figure out their favourite club and snare them every night of the week.

Hit the gym


Body on fleek

Now you’ve identified your targets and triangulated their position, it’s time to get yourself physically ready for all the sex you’ll definitely be having. Work on stamina-building exercises so you’re ready for many restless nights and the all important squats. Every day is butt day.

As you’re increasing your gym time you’ll also be one step closer to being beach body ready, and might catch a glimpse of someone on your list getting sweaty on the cross trainer.

Go to each and every club night


Now that your body’s ready, it’s time to hit every club in Exeter. To maximise your chances of pulling someone from your list, go to every club they’re likely to be at every night of the week. A true goldrusher will have figured this out through extensive Facebook stalking.

If you see them, bust out some of your most attention-grabbing dance moves, preferably in a circle around them, and wait for them to be dazzled by just how limber you are. If you can’t spot them, move onto another club where someone else on your list probably is.

Reap the rewards of your hard work

Now that you’ve given goldrushing your all, it’s time to reap the benefits of your hard work and don’t sleep a wink.

  • Anon

    The edge of the wardrobe is bent in the girl’s mirror selfie. Too much photoshop?